Motherhood Mondays: What Pregnant Women Would Really Like To Tell You.

My son turns one in a few days. Last year at this time, I was bursting at the seams and had all these people buzzing around me asking why I wasn’t just going into labour already. I an out of polite smiles and answers and wrote something down to share with my friends. Something snarky.

Now that I am a year into parenting, I felt nostalgic and decided to reproduce it here. I originally titled this post Pregnancy Primer: Stupid Things People Ask When You’re Pregnant And How You Should Respond.

Here goes.

When you’re pregnant, there are some standard, irritating questions which will come your way. And you may be asked these questions a 100-odd times. And soon, you don’t want to respond as politely as you do. It’s tiring enough being pregnant, and trust me, after a point, you just want people to stop with the questions and advice. I went through it. So here are a few questions, and some nasty-ass responses I would’ve liked to use.

1. Oh wow, you’re pregnant! That’s so exciting! How did it all happen??

>>Would you like an 8th grade biology refresher?

2.  Awwww, you’re preggers/preggy/preggo!!!! I can’t believe you’re preggers/preggy/preggo!!! So how preggers/preggy/preggo are you by now?

>>No, I’m not preggers/preggy/preggo. I’m PREGNANT, I’m EXPECTING,  I’m HAVING A BABY. However, if you use one of those disgusting derivatives of the word pregnant again, I may turn into PREGZILLA and come at you in a hormone-charged rage.

3. OMG, now that you’re pregnant, you’re going to get all these cravings. It’s gonna start with the chocolate cravings, then meat cravings, then caffeine cravings, then wasabi cravings, and then the cheese cravings are gonna hit…. And by the time you’re in the third trimester, you’re just gonna plain CRAVE. Have you felt the cravings yet???

>>I’m not sure about any of that, but right now, I sure do have a craving to tape your mouth shut.

4. What does it feel like? It must feel weird right? And exciting? And weirdly exciting! And motherly… And tender… And wholesome… Wow so what DOES it feel like?? I really wanna know!!!!

>>It’s indescribable… Hey, you’re not doing anything significant with your life right now, why don’t you try it out and see for yourself?

5. Wow. You’re bump has gotten so big! So when you stand up and look down, can you see your feet? Or even the tips of your toes? Do you miss seeing your feet and toes? Won’t it be weird seeing your toes again after you have the baby and the bump is gone? So can you see your toes or what?

>>No, I can’t see my toes, but I can see that your head is clearly up your ass.

6. Wow, you’ve sure gained weight! And you’re stomach really bulges now!!

>>Really? I hadn’t noticed! Perhaps it is because I’m 9 MONTHS PREGNANT and carrying ANOTHER HUMAN BEING inside of me.

7. OMG!!! When do you pop? Have you popped yet? How soon till you pop? Aww, c’mon, pop the baby now!!

>>POP??!! Let me assure you, there is nothing POP about delivering a child. POP is the furthest sound/verb/adverb you would associate with having a baby. If having a baby was as easy as POP, then you wouldn’t need a doctor and several nurses buzzing around you while you’re in excruciating pain with an oxygen mask strapped onto your face. If having a baby was as easy as POP, I’m pretty sure you would have done it many times by now. Trust you me, POP is for soda.

8. So… You’re having a baby! Wow. Family life begins. The journey into motherhood. That’s great. But… Why now? Why NOW and not LATER? Are you really ready for it now? Was there a reason you picked now? Like seriously- why NOW?

>>Because I’m amazingly fertile and BECAUSE I CAN, dipshit. ‘Nuff said.

Image courtesy | sodahead.com

But you know I would never really say any of these things, right?

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13 thoughts on “Motherhood Mondays: What Pregnant Women Would Really Like To Tell You.

  1. This is a hilarious post…totally loved it.

    But as a woman who cannot have children….I can’t tell you how lucky you are that people are asking you these annoying questions and you can whack them on their head with witty retorts. Your post has such a warmth and security to it that one just wants to hug you and wish you a ‘happy mother’s day’ on your son’s birthday 🙂 Keep blogging wonderful tales n woes of being a young mother…would love to read them.

  2. I remember being so gi- normous by the time I stepped into my third tri. I had people waving at me from their bus and cars when I waddled my way to some place at the side walk. It was so embarrassing. But I guess people think they are being good natured! And this was not even in INDIA!!!

    Loved the post. You make me really laugh out loud.

  3. hahahahaha.. i laughed so loud when i read pregzilla i mustav freaked my neighbour out. well, im guilty of asking atleast one of those annoying questions, i remember asking my friend bout what she craves and the list was so endless i regretted ever having gone into that topic. im wondering if ur wit could come to my rescue…what answer do u suggest i tell overly inquisitive relatives (sometimes even perfect strangers!) who ask me why im NOT YET pregnant even after 2 years (gasp!) of marriage? something to shut them up & mind their own business would do beautifully 😀

    • Ooh I could think of several answers to give them! I know how it feels, shaadi ke ek saal baad people expect you to start a family. I don’t get it. It should be upto you!

  4. I laughed my head off at this. Thank you. I thought I was just the meanest of the mean when i was pregnant, but you can keep up. Sort of 🙂

    With my first son a cashier at the grocery store asked me when was I due? And I was barely showing AT ALL. I thought it rather rude for a complete stranger to be asking about my very personal life and I told her, “I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat.” Hopefully she learned not to make that mistake again. But probably not.

    That same son was 11 days overdue. Yes ELEVEN. Gah. And this very cute little old lady next door would ask every time I came out of the house, “When are you gonna have that baby?” Like as if I wanted to keep waddling around with a little boy doing jumping jacks between my ribs. It made me so mad when she said “When are you gonna have that baby” I kept thinking (you’re gonna think I’m awful but I was hormonal and 11 days overdue) when are you gonna kick the bucket and quit askin that question, lady? But I kept my mouth shut.

    • It can get pretty infuaraiting at times! And especially when random people want to come up and pat your belly. 11 days overdue is well…wow. Gah is the word. I wonder what that little old lady is upto now… 😛

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