My son turns one in a few days. Last year at this time, I was bursting at the seams and had all these people buzzing around me asking why I wasn’t just going into labour already. I an out of polite smiles and answers and wrote something down to share with my friends. Something snarky.
Now that I am a year into parenting, I felt nostalgic and decided to reproduce it here. I originally titled this post Pregnancy Primer: Stupid Things People Ask When You’re Pregnant And How You Should Respond.
When you’re pregnant, there are some standard, irritating questions which will come your way. And you may be asked these questions a 100-odd times. And soon, you don’t want to respond as politely as you do. It’s tiring enough being pregnant, and trust me, after a point, you just want people to stop with the questions and advice. I went through it. So here are a few questions, and some nasty-ass responses I would’ve liked to use.
1. Oh wow, you’re pregnant! That’s so exciting! How did it all happen??
>>Would you like an 8th grade biology refresher?
2. Awwww, you’re preggers/preggy/preggo!!!! I can’t believe you’re preggers/preggy/preggo!!! So how preggers/preggy/preggo are you by now?
>>No, I’m not preggers/preggy/preggo. I’m PREGNANT, I’m EXPECTING, I’m HAVING A BABY. However, if you use one of those disgusting derivatives of the word pregnant again, I may turn into PREGZILLA and come at you in a hormone-charged rage.
3. OMG, now that you’re pregnant, you’re going to get all these cravings. It’s gonna start with the chocolate cravings, then meat cravings, then caffeine cravings, then wasabi cravings, and then the cheese cravings are gonna hit…. And by the time you’re in the third trimester, you’re just gonna plain CRAVE. Have you felt the cravings yet???
>>I’m not sure about any of that, but right now, I sure do have a craving to tape your mouth shut.
4. What does it feel like? It must feel weird right? And exciting? And weirdly exciting! And motherly… And tender… And wholesome… Wow so what DOES it feel like?? I really wanna know!!!!
>>It’s indescribable… Hey, you’re not doing anything significant with your life right now, why don’t you try it out and see for yourself?
5. Wow. You’re bump has gotten so big! So when you stand up and look down, can you see your feet? Or even the tips of your toes? Do you miss seeing your feet and toes? Won’t it be weird seeing your toes again after you have the baby and the bump is gone? So can you see your toes or what?
>>No, I can’t see my toes, but I can see that your head is clearly up your ass.
6. Wow, you’ve sure gained weight! And you’re stomach really bulges now!!
>>Really? I hadn’t noticed! Perhaps it is because I’m 9 MONTHS PREGNANT and carrying ANOTHER HUMAN BEING inside of me.
7. OMG!!! When do you pop? Have you popped yet? How soon till you pop? Aww, c’mon, pop the baby now!!
>>POP??!! Let me assure you, there is nothing POP about delivering a child. POP is the furthest sound/verb/adverb you would associate with having a baby. If having a baby was as easy as POP, then you wouldn’t need a doctor and several nurses buzzing around you while you’re in excruciating pain with an oxygen mask strapped onto your face. If having a baby was as easy as POP, I’m pretty sure you would have done it many times by now. Trust you me, POP is for soda.
8. So… You’re having a baby! Wow. Family life begins. The journey into motherhood. That’s great. But… Why now? Why NOW and not LATER? Are you really ready for it now? Was there a reason you picked now? Like seriously- why NOW?
>>Because I’m amazingly fertile and BECAUSE I CAN, dipshit. ‘Nuff said.
But you know I would never really say any of these things, right?